It only takes one heartbroken night of tears for the average woman to make a personal vow that she will never allow another man to hurt her like this. A lot of times that personal vow includes the vow to not have sex with another man until marriage. It is a common belief that celibacy is the weapon that will win the war and get you the healthy relationship because it effectively protects you getting involved with the wrong men. It wasn’t until I reflected on my love life that I realized how inconclusive this belief was in changing my relationship patterns and lead me to a healthy relationship.
In the past, I thought I was in love with this man whom I had begun getting to know on a deeper level. His favorite outfit was an orange jumpsuit, he had a very close relationship with Mary Jane but had no relation to Rick James, and when he used the word “baby”, there was a chance he wasn’t referring to me. In other words, he had a criminal record, sold drugs, and had a baby on the way. Although he clearly wasn’t a good choice in the first place, I still continued to see him. I just told him that I wasn’t willing to have sex with him because I wanted to be married first and he said that he supported my decision. Since I took away the option of us conversing with our bodies, it forced both of us to speak and listen with only our hearts. Instead of making out in the dorm room, he would pour out his heart and tell me how he wanted to stop selling drugs but feared not being able to take care of his family. Instead of cuddling, he would lay by my side and listen to the formation of my trust issues with males as a result of my childhood and my sincere desire to not let the past affect our relationship. The absence of physical bonding left an abundant presence for the opportunity to emotionally bond. That situation ended in the toughest heartbreak I had ever experienced and contrary to the type of guy he was, the heartbreak was not because of the previous things I listed or him mistreating me. I was extremely hurt and it was frustrating because I could not understand how I took sex off of the table and still ended up in the same position as before.
It was because removing sex only fixed one aspect of my relationship patterns. It did not fix the fact that I continued to involve myself with men who were broken to fulfill the desire in me to always feel needed. It did not fix the fact that I was a shallow chooser of men because I sought external approval of others about my relationship decisions. It did not fix the fact that I subconsciously chose men that were hard to love as a way to reenact the relationship I have with my father.
Being celibate in the wrong relationship will pull you further away from your goal of a healthy relationship then you originally were. Celibacy is not a time to continue being reckless with your dating patterns just because you think that not having sex will make you get less emotionally involved with the wrong men. Although that is true in some cases, most women are emotional and we can get attached easier through our hearts than we can through the bedroom boom. That is why celibacy is the time to be even more careful with your decisions. By me choosing to be involved with the “Mary Jane Jumpsuit Man” because I didn’t change my dating patterns and reflect on how they were formed, then all I did was set myself up for even more failure because I was doing a new thing in an old mindset. I had this mindset that I wanted to wait until the right person to give my body to, but yet I was willing to be reckless with my heart.
Every girl wants a good and healthy relationship and sometimes we’ll choose various paths because we have been told that going a route like celibacy is guaranteed to get you exactly what you want, like many of us have heard about celibacy. Just like every other guarantee comes with terms and conditions. It’s not enough just to stop having sex. If you agree to analyze your dating patterns, heal the wounds of your heart, and seek God in all of your ways, along with being celibate then the guarantee is more likely to be revealed.